Indy is Danica Patrick’s Booty Call

There’s this really hot girl that you used to date. You thought that the two of you had a good thing going, until she tells you “we need to talk.” She says that she has met someone else, and she thinks it’s time to move on. The guy for whom you’ve been thrown over is a slack-jawed idiot that may look good, but doesn’t have anything of substance to offer. When that guy doesn’t give her what she wants the most, she gives you a call at 10:30 and asks if she can come over.

That’s what we like to call a “booty call”.

This is exactly what Danica Patrick is doing with the IRL.

When she first started racing, I was all about Danica. She had what it took to become the first female Indy 500 winner. In her rookie year, she qualified and finished fourth. She was poised and seemed to have the focus to do anything that she wanted. She came across as Rick Mears with breasts.

Then Danica became a celebrity. She’s been a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue regular, the Go-Daddy girl, and garnered more endorsements than she had Indy Car wins. She was the star of the Indy Racing League.

Everybody panicked when rumors circulated late last season that Danica was going to leave Andretti Motorsports for the money pit known as NASCAR. I tried to assure everyone that she would never leave the IRL until she conquered that yard of bricks. She had said on more than one occasion that it was her dream. Danica proved me wrong by signing a huge NASCAR deal, mostly for the money and the opportunity to have more endorsements.

While some IRL fans and insiders were calculating the loss of Danica, I thought about her actual accomplishments. In her IRL career, she has won one race, and has one top three finish at Indy.

So did Kevin Cogan.

Now, it’s almost as if she called Indy at 10:30, wanting to know what it was doing, and asked if she could come over. She’s now back in an IRL car because she wants the one thing that NASCAR can’t give her…the chance to slug milk out of a glass bottle and have her mug slapped on the Borg-Warner Trophy.

We’re now supposed to be grateful that she is taking time away from the good ol’ boys to slum it with the open-wheelers. She really hasn’t done anything to warrant her superstar status, outside of being attractive and willing to take her clothes off for a Super Bowl commercial. (Side Note: She’s not even the most attractive girl named Danica. Let’s not forget about Danica McKellar…Winnie Cooper forever)

Since her first year, she has become a spoiled brat. She has a temper that rivals A.J. Foyt’s. A couple of years ago, she turned some heads when she marched down pit row to have a spirited chat with Ryan Briscoe after their collision in the pits knocked her out of the race. She was redirected to Gasoline Alley where she whined to the press about Briscoe not knowing what he was doing.

Danica Patrick is nothing more than Anna Kournikova in a fire suit. She wants to win at Indy, but she won’t…at least not this year. She doesn’t have the car, but more importantly, she doesn’t have the mentality. If she ever wants to win the 500, she needs to be the focused driver she was her rookie year, and govern her passions.

She was booed by the Indy faithful after her pathetic qualifying attempt. It wasn’t because of her effort; it was because she whined about her car’s set up. Unless your name is Foyt, you can’t get away with that at Indy.

I’ve written some pretty harsh things. On the off chance Danica has clicked on this piece, she has more than likely stopped reading (she doesn’t take criticism very well). However, if the message is getting through to you, Danica, here’s some advice as to how you can get back in our good graces. Put on some clothes, fess up to mistakes you make, shut the hell up and drive.

Share |

(Back Home Again in) Indiana

There are several times during the year I miss living in Indiana. This coming weekend is one of them.

I’ve been to the Indianapolis 500 twice (1986, 1987). Traditions at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway have changed a bit since my last pilgrimage 23 years ago. The start of the race changed from 11 AM EST to 1PM EDT (due to Indiana adopting Daylight Saving Time, one of the five pillars of evil), and this year, qualifying was only one weekend. However, my favorite tradition has survived…the singing of “(Back Home Again in) Indiana.”

Since 1972, Jim Nabors, backed by the Purdue All-American Marching Band, has belted out this traditional Hoosier-land tune. In my estimation, that performance is the official start of summer. Of course, Nabors’s annual performance isn’t the only one worthy of mention. For many years, Louis Armstrong and his All-Stars would open their shows with the song. Both interpretations are unique, and shouldn’t be duplicated.

Through the years, “Back Home Again” has been misidentified as the official Indiana state song. That honor goes to the song “On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away.” The song, written by Terre Haute native Paul Dresser, was originally published in 1897. Poor money management forced Dresser to sell the copyright to Maurice Richmond Music. In 1917, the new copyright owner gave up and coming songwriters Ballard MacDonald and James F. Hanley permission to use two bars of “On the Banks of the Wabash” for a their new song (which if you haven’t guessed, it’s “Back Home Again”). MacDonald and Hanley may have exceeded their permission.

“On the Banks of the Wabash”

Oh, the moonlight's fair tonight along the Wabash,

From the fields there comes the breath of newmown hay.

Through the sycamores the candle lights are gleaming,

On the banks of the Wabash, far away.

“(Back Home Again in) Indiana”

Back home again in Indiana,

And it seems that I can see

The gleaming candlelight, still shining bright,

Through the sycamores for me.

The new-mown hay sends all its fragrance

From the fields I used to roam.

When I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash,

Then I long for my Indiana home.

This is flat out copyright infringement. The jury would take 12 minutes to deliberate, and Ballard and MacDonald would have lost all rights to the song. It would be in the same league as George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”, Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” and Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida” (admit it you talentless hacks, you ripped off Satriani). However, the copyright laws in 1917 were a little vague, and threats made by the Dresser Estate to sue were never followed up.

Regardless of the history and the obvious theft, “(Back Home Again in) Indiana” is still the most beloved song about Indiana. While other songs written by proud Hoosiers such as “Going Back to Indiana” by the Jackson 5 and “Back to Indiana” by the Elms share the sentiment of missing their home state, they will never garner the same popularity as the song that was ironically written by a non-Hoosier (MacDonald was from Oregon).

When Gomer sings, and 33 engines simultaneously ignite on Sunday, I will once again get chills.

I will long for my Indiana home. 
Share |