Indy is Danica Patrick’s Booty Call

There’s this really hot girl that you used to date. You thought that the two of you had a good thing going, until she tells you “we need to talk.” She says that she has met someone else, and she thinks it’s time to move on. The guy for whom you’ve been thrown over is a slack-jawed idiot that may look good, but doesn’t have anything of substance to offer. When that guy doesn’t give her what she wants the most, she gives you a call at 10:30 and asks if she can come over.

That’s what we like to call a “booty call”.

This is exactly what Danica Patrick is doing with the IRL.

When she first started racing, I was all about Danica. She had what it took to become the first female Indy 500 winner. In her rookie year, she qualified and finished fourth. She was poised and seemed to have the focus to do anything that she wanted. She came across as Rick Mears with breasts.

Then Danica became a celebrity. She’s been a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue regular, the Go-Daddy girl, and garnered more endorsements than she had Indy Car wins. She was the star of the Indy Racing League.

Everybody panicked when rumors circulated late last season that Danica was going to leave Andretti Motorsports for the money pit known as NASCAR. I tried to assure everyone that she would never leave the IRL until she conquered that yard of bricks. She had said on more than one occasion that it was her dream. Danica proved me wrong by signing a huge NASCAR deal, mostly for the money and the opportunity to have more endorsements.

While some IRL fans and insiders were calculating the loss of Danica, I thought about her actual accomplishments. In her IRL career, she has won one race, and has one top three finish at Indy.

So did Kevin Cogan.

Now, it’s almost as if she called Indy at 10:30, wanting to know what it was doing, and asked if she could come over. She’s now back in an IRL car because she wants the one thing that NASCAR can’t give her…the chance to slug milk out of a glass bottle and have her mug slapped on the Borg-Warner Trophy.

We’re now supposed to be grateful that she is taking time away from the good ol’ boys to slum it with the open-wheelers. She really hasn’t done anything to warrant her superstar status, outside of being attractive and willing to take her clothes off for a Super Bowl commercial. (Side Note: She’s not even the most attractive girl named Danica. Let’s not forget about Danica McKellar…Winnie Cooper forever)

Since her first year, she has become a spoiled brat. She has a temper that rivals A.J. Foyt’s. A couple of years ago, she turned some heads when she marched down pit row to have a spirited chat with Ryan Briscoe after their collision in the pits knocked her out of the race. She was redirected to Gasoline Alley where she whined to the press about Briscoe not knowing what he was doing.

Danica Patrick is nothing more than Anna Kournikova in a fire suit. She wants to win at Indy, but she won’t…at least not this year. She doesn’t have the car, but more importantly, she doesn’t have the mentality. If she ever wants to win the 500, she needs to be the focused driver she was her rookie year, and govern her passions.

She was booed by the Indy faithful after her pathetic qualifying attempt. It wasn’t because of her effort; it was because she whined about her car’s set up. Unless your name is Foyt, you can’t get away with that at Indy.

I’ve written some pretty harsh things. On the off chance Danica has clicked on this piece, she has more than likely stopped reading (she doesn’t take criticism very well). However, if the message is getting through to you, Danica, here’s some advice as to how you can get back in our good graces. Put on some clothes, fess up to mistakes you make, shut the hell up and drive.

Share |