Bring the Vuvuzela to the NFL! Really!

It’s been the talk (or more to the point, the main complaint) of the World Cup. I’m of course talking about the vuvuzela. Who knew that an eight dollar hunk of plastic could tick off so many people?

While it has become the most reviled noise since Yoko Ono started making albums, I have grown to love the vuvuzela. If I owned an iPhone, I would have already purchased the vuvuzela app. Complain if you must, but I think it makes the matches more exciting and it gives the fans a chance to be a part of the game. Plus, I just like the noise.

Allow me to make a modest proposal. Bring the vuvuzela to American Football.

Really.

Why not? If the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim can use the annoying “Thundersticks”, I think we can put up with the sound of bees for 16 weeks a year. However, I’m not suggesting that the horns should be present in all 31 stadiums. There should be only one team to adopt it. I have constructed a rubric that will help find the perfect team.

1. No Indoor Stadiums
This one is a no brainer. In an outdoor stadium, the decibel levels can reach 127 decibels. If you put this in an indoor stadium, the noise would become even more unbearable.

Eliminated: Indy, Houston, Minnesota*, Detroit, New Orleans, Atlanta, Arizona, St. Louis and Seattle

2. No Cold Weather Teams

Honestly, the sound of bees sounds out of place in Buffalo…in December. The vuvuzela is obviously meant to be used in a warmer climate.

Eliminated: The entire AFC North, the Hatriots, both New York teams, Buffalo, Kansas City, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Philadelphia and Washington

3. Diverse and Open Population

Let’s face it, the vuvuzela is an international item and should be used in a place that’s not so…oh, what’s the word…WASPy.

Eliminated: Tennessee, Oakland, Carolina and Dallas

4. Known for its Defense

In American Football, when is the crowd the loudest? When the home team is on defense. Since the vuvuzela makes things exciting, it should only be use when there is something about which to get excited. Teams like the 49ers are long associated with the “West Coast Offense”, not its stellar defense.

Eliminated: Jacksonville, San Francisco and Miami

This leaves two teams left; San Diego and Tampa Bay. Both locations fit the above four criteria. However, there can be only one. So to come up with the team I am making my own tie breaker.  

5. It Can’t Be Direct Competition Against My Team

I’m a Colts Fan. I can’t risk another AFC team having home field in the playoffs and using the vuvuzela against my boys in blue.

Eliminated: San Diego

Congratulations, Tampa Bay, you have a new tradition. To the Glazer brothers and general manager Mark Dominik; please buy 75,000 of these and hand them out during the home opener at Raymond James Stadium.

*May be reconsidered when the Vikings relocate to Los Angeles. 

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